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Can YOU write as bad as Fathead?

 
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munkus



Joined: 02 Jul 2010
Posts: 498

PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:46 am    Post subject: Can YOU write as bad as Fathead? Reply with quote

Just for laughs I propose the following. We each have to write a quick scene (say 1000 words) in the style of fathead. We can then take a poll to see who matches his writing style the most and thus declared the competitions biggest loser.
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Tash



Joined: 03 Jul 2010
Posts: 893
Location: Atlantis

PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a perfectionist in my writing, I carefully scrutinise every single word and every single plot element, so I don't think it's possible for me to write as badly as fathead, but I might give it a go.
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Professor



Joined: 15 Apr 2009
Posts: 1948

PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rose waved goodbye to her Mum.

"Now you have got everything haven't you Rose? Everything you need for a nice long trip?" moaned Jacqui.

"Yes Mum." Rose's smile was bigger than her face.

"Tampons? Condoms? I don't want you getting up the duff in space dear?" moaned Jacqui.

"Mum!!"

The Doctor, who had super hearing, decided to intervene, in a jokey, northern way.

"Oh don't worry Jacqui. Rose'll be fine with me. The Time Lords solved the problem of being "on the blob" in space long ago." He spoke the words "On the blob" in a jokey, northern way, pleased at his ability to learn and use the local language. He accompanied it by giving Rose a playful thump on the shoulder with his fist in a jokey, northern way.

Rose picked herself up off the floor.

"Really Doctor? What did they do?"

"Oh." He pulled his Sonic Screwdriver from his pocket and whispered in a jokey, northern way. "Well you see, you take this here screwdriver and insert it...."

Rose was shocked "Doctor, are you sure?"

"Of course Rose, never did me any harm." He said in a jokey, northern way.

"But you don't menstruate, Doctor." moaned Jacqui

"Ah." said the Doctor in a jokey northern way. "You see that's where you're wrong. The Time Lords genetically engineered all male Time Lords to menstruate under the edict of Rassilon."

"The what of Rassilon?" Shouted Mickey, springing out from the car he was jacking.

"The Edict" bellowed the Doctor, in a jokey, northern way.

"Why did Rassilon do that Doctor?" moaned Jacqui.

"Oh." said the Doctor, in a jokey, northern way. "It's because the Tardis is powered by menstrual blood."

"Sounds exciting." shouted Mickey as he jacked K9.

"And also because Rassilon was a great big Gayer." The Doctor retorted, slamming K9's lid down on Mickey's knuckles in a jokey, northern way.

"You mean I could power the Tardis all by myself?" mused Rose

"So could I." moaned Jacqui.

"Er. Not you Jacqui I'm afraid. You see, the menstrual blood has to be pure, and I'm afraid you're not as pure as Rose. She's special is Rose. A very special, special, special person. Very pure." The Doctor licked his lips in a jokey, northern way.

"She's not pure!" shouted Mickey, from inside the Tardis, where he was jacking it. "We've done it loads of times. She's a right goer."

Behind the Doctor, a Slitheen had been quietly creeping up on him, ready to devour him whole. The Doctor quietly blasted it into fragments with his Sonic Screwdriver, laser pistol attachment without even looking behind him. He did this in a jokey, northern way.

"Anyway, time we were off." He smiled and picked up his bin. "Are you ready Rose?"

"Can't wait Doctor. Will you snog me now, you bleeding gorgeous hunk of Time Lord"

The Doctor smiled in a jokey, northern way. "Did I tell you how alien I am? How I can feel the world turning beneath my feet?"

Rose swooned "Oh, tell me again Doctor, tell me again. I want your babies"

The two entered the Tardis and ejected Mickey who was now nursing a jokey, northern black eye. Wheezing and groaning sounds began to emanate from the blue box.

"Hey Jacqui, you just gonna let her go like that. She's your daughter in't she?" shouted Mickey as he jacked a nearby child for her ice cream.

"Damn right." moaned Jacqui. "And finally she's out of my way. I've wanted us to be together for so long Mickey."

As Captain Jack walked down the street, he saw Mickey jacking something.

"Hey Mickey, Hey Mickey. Hey Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my .....!" squealed Captain Jack in an American accent that seemed to originate from Clapham Junction as he ran down the street, coat tails flapping in the wind.

Suddenly the Tardis door flew open again and Rose came tumbling out. The Doctor's head, now strangely different, popped out. "Ah'm sorry Rose" He spoke in a Scotney accent. "Ye're contaminated with wibbly wobbly time particles. If ye cum with me, ye'll die."

"But Doctor" cried Rose. "I love you. I want to have little Time Lord Babies"

"Ah'm sorry" The Scotney Doctor repeated himself, as if talking to a halfwit. "There's nuthin I can doo. Ah cannae break the laws of physics Jim."

Jack looked round confused. "Who's Jim? And is he dishy?"

But the door to the Tardis had closed. The Doctor had gone forever.

Rose looked around for a reset button, alas and alack, in vain. She began to cry.

Six months later, she was still crying. However, then she noticed, right where the Tardis had been, there was a bit of pink plastic. It had a nozzle attached. It looked just like a...was it? Could it be? She started to blow into the nozzle. A few hours later, she had her very own blow up Doctor, complete with Sonic Screwdriver accessories. He hadn't forgotten her after all.
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War Arrow



Joined: 28 May 2010
Posts: 550
Location: UK

PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloody hell... that's fantastic! Shocked
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munkus



Joined: 02 Jul 2010
Posts: 498

PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant effort Prof, I'm in stitches.
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Professor



Joined: 15 Apr 2009
Posts: 1948

PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought about including this line:

Mickey had Jacked Jack's Jacks and now Jacqui was Jacking Jack's Jacks but Jack was Jacking Jacqui's Jacks back. While Jacqui and Jack Jacked, Mickey jacked a Mini and wondered where Pluto was, only to find Jacking Jack and Jacking Jacqui Jacking in the back, which only distracted his Jacking. When Jack pulled out his Jack of hearts, Jacqui suggested they all have a good game of Strip Jack Naked. Which they did, Jacking all the way. Until Jacqui accidentally jacked Jack's Jacks and Jack responded by waving his Jacks about in a wild manner. Mickey and Jacqui realised that Jack was a bit of a wanker. Just then the Doctor came upon them all with a cry of "Allonsy". They all gaped at him. Jacqui and jack swallowed hard. Mickey wondered why his skin had sudden turned a milky shade of white. Maybe it was fear.

But I wasn't sure if the innuendo was subtle enough.
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Jimmy Nimbus



Joined: 07 Mar 2010
Posts: 414

PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I say slam that paragraph in somewhere, don't worry too much about whether it works with the flow, and then stick it on a fan fiction site.

In fact if we were REALLY fucking going for it we'd just write the most turgid shit possible, stick it on fanfiction.net or whatever it is and see who can get some decent votes from idiots.
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